Disappointment

I was so excited this morning because I had another follow up visit scheduled with my surgeon- and the plan was to pick a surgery date to get the prosthesis put back in.  The good news: my blood work came back normal (for the first time in months) and he said we could go ahead with the surgery.  The bad news: even though he isn't going to make me wait until his first opening in June, I still may not get in until February or March sometime.  I'll admit I just broke down right there in the office.  It will be 7 months since my first surgery this Sunday.  7 long, LONG months. 

I am getting more and more angry by the day and I'm really trying to not let that consume me.  I'm angry that I still can't walk.  Angry that I still can't do the things with my daughter that I want to do (one of the main reasons for having a surgery in the first place!).  Angry that yet another job opportunity presented itself this week and I'm not going to be able to take it because the surgery won't happen in time.  Yes, I realize companies are not supposed to discriminate in these situations, but really, who can blame them?  It isn't their problem. 

I really don't know how people with chronic diseases handle all the ups and downs.  I mean, what's happened to me is nothing compared to cancer or other diseases, and yet continually getting my hopes crushed is really taking its toll. 

So, now I wait.  Wait for someone to cancel their surgery so they can slide me in.  Hope that someone gets sick so they have to postpone their surgery date and I can take it (yes, I know how horrible that sounds).  And I pray.  Again.  I've got to trust I'll get the date I need when I need it.   In the mean time, I think I'm going to try to find a way to kick box sitting down.  My rage needs somewhere to go.

Stir Crazy

It's been over 7 weeks since my last surgery and it's my first day alone after being with family for 2 weeks straight over the holidays.  As I look around at a house full of dust, dirt, Christmas tree leaves, toys, and general clutter, I am getting more and more anxious to get the next surgery done!   I am so tired of not being able to do things for myself.  Tired of not being able to carry Laurel.  Tired of being in debt because I can't work and because the medical bills were obviously a lot more than we planned on.  Tired of having to drop Laurel at school because I can't take care of her all day on my own.  Tired of HGTV. 

Rich has been trying so hard to keep things clean, but it's impossible with a full time job & a toddler for one person to do it all.  I don't know how in the world all you single working parents do it! 

That's all.  Just a little rant that I had to get out.  Thanks for listening.